99% of my socks are single, and you don’t see them crying about it.

As your best friend, I’ll always pick you up when you fall... after I finish laughing.

Sometimes I have to tell myself it’s not worth the jail time.

Friends don't let friends do stupid things... alone.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

Every time I say “no”, my kids hears, “ask again, she didn’t understand the question.”

Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.

I’m just going to relax and enjoy a quiet evening at home. Mainly because I can’t afford to go anywhere or do anything.

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

The only difference between men and boys is the size of their shoes and the price of their toys.

“Send in the rescue dogs (preferably the ones with kegs around their necks).”

Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.

The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But that gets boring really fast. So I go back to being normal!

“I just finished squats—and didn’t toot once!”

“If a man empties his purse into his head, no one can take it from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.” – Benjamin Franklin

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.