A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

Feeling like a boss, and staring at the stars, it doesn’t matter the cost, ’cause everybody wants to be famous. — Everybody Wants to Be Famous by Superorganism

99% of my socks are single, and you don't see them crying about it.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife’s clothes

I know the voices in my head aren’t real. But sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!

I don’t mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.

The plan is to market our original product as a new product that’s as good as the original.

This week I was pulled over by a cop. He said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors and I win.” Don’t think the cop found it funny.

Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.

Shutting the fuck up is gluten-free. Add that to your diet.

The best thing to do first thing in the morning is to go right back to sleep.

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Emma Bombeck

There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.

Today, you will get married, and I will eat cake. It’s a win-win for sure.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.