A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. – James Dent

Changed all my passwords to incorrect, then every time I forget my password, it says “your password is incorrect”.

If you are a Christmas tree growing next to a Santa tree, does this somehow change the taste of both fruits? Would you get a selfie

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

Thanks for not paying me back the money you owe me. Sure I want my money back but I would have paid more to prove what a scumbag you are.

Birthday candles aren't the only things getting lit this weekend.

We need to draw the line on unethical behavior. But let’s draw it with an Etch-a-Sketch and don’t be afraid to shake it a little.

“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

“I go to the gym because clearly my amazing personality deserves a body to go with it.”

The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

I’m usually charming, nice, and well mannered, OK for those who really know me you can laugh now

I Live And I Learn But I Wait My Turn. I’m Always On The Run, Got Weight To Burn.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.

“In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!

My husband thinks I am (just a little bit) crazy. But I am not the one who married me.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.