After gossiping about me, please pray for me. I want to be perfect just like you.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

Dear autocorrect, that’s not what I was trying to say. I’m getting tired of your shirt

If you are a Christmas tree growing next to a Santa tree, does this somehow change the taste of both fruits? Would you get a selfie

“What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” – Cindy Garner

You cannot control whom your heart falls in love with, but it’s funny because you can decide whom to date.

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.” – George Burns

“I’m now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt.” – Henny Youngman

“In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen

I haven’t posted a selfie in a while but I still am very cute just to keep you updated.

“No one is as lucky as us. We’re not at the end but, but we’ve already won.” — Paramore “Where the Lines Overlap”s

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? – Retired

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” – Maya Angelou

Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.

This is by far your worst idea ever… I’ll be there in 15 minutes.

If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue. – Katie Lee

“An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.” – Laurence J. Peter

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.