Anything that could possibly go wrong often does – as well as a thing or two that couldn’t possibly.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away

Young people think that money is everything. Old people know that this is correct

“Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.” – Ray Kroc

Newspaper Ad. For Sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. $200 or best offer!

This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

I’ve never been cool and I don’t really care about being cool. It’s just an awful lot of time and hair gel wasted

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

I look at people sometimes and think. Really?? That’s the sperm that won.

I’m returning your nose dear, I found it in my business.

The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe eat cake.

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” – Solomon Schechter

Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing it’s actually Tuesday.

These two weirdos are perfect for each other.

For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.