Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.

My kids were all having fun and getting along, and that was the greatest 2 1/2 minutes of the entire summer.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Oh my friend you belong to a zoo.

“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.” – Woody Allen

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife’s clothes

You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example

I guess now is a bad time to say I’m not looking for anything serious?

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams

Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away

Old enough that I need a filter on this photo.

Going to bed early. Not going to a party. Not leaving my house. My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

I don’t mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.

Thanks for not paying me back the money you owe me. Sure I want my money back but I would have paid more to prove what a scumbag you are.

Best friends. Because of anyone else heard our conversations we’d end up in the mental hospital.

Shutting the fuck up is gluten-free. Add that to your diet.

“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” – George Bernard Shaw

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.