Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software… it’s called Monday, please fix it.

Dear Lord. Please give me some patience now, now, now.

Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to “Unstable”.

If you can't remember my name, just say, 'chocolate' and I'll turn around.

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft

“My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny

Insecurities can make even the smartest and most beautiful person foolishly question themselves despite how amazing they truly are.

To all my friends that I promised I’d never post a cheesy couples pic: Keep scrolling.

Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.” – Warren Buffett

Please God, if you can’t make me thin, make my friends fat.

Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be. – Nora Ephron

What part of “I need to save money” don’t I understand?

I have two speeds. If you don’t like this one, you’re definitely not going to like the other one.

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Don’t trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar.

And to think I was considering ghosting you.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.