He gave a great 10-minute business speech yesterday. The only problem was it took him an hour to deliver it.

I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new style of hair every morning!

“Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.” – Ray Kroc

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing “k” instead of “ok”?

These two weirdos are perfect for each other.

I just wanna spend the rest of my life laughing.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.

Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

“Marriage is like an unfunny tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” – Knocked Up

“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” – David Sedaris

Finding friends with the same level of crazy is priceless.

Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.

Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night!

Marriage consists of a person who remembers everything and a person who doesn’t remember anything at all.

The only difference between men and boys is the size of their shoes and the price of their toys.

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.