I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your money or life, wives wants both.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won.

Mental stimulation and an emotional connection between two people trump a physical and love connection any day. However, having all of the above is even more powerful and meaningful;

One of the few people on Instagram who doesn’t claim to be a social media guru.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

They say don’t try this at home. So, I tried it at my friend’s home.

Dear Lord… please give me some patience NOW…NOW…NOW….

Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.

“Posting this to make everyone else feel better about themselves. You’re welcome.”

Giving men marriage tips is a little like offering Vikings a free booklet titled ‘How not to Pillage’.

I am actually quite a nice person. Until you piss me off!

I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me from me.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.