I drink to make other people more interesting.

“If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” – Elvis Presley

I hate when people see me at the supermarket and they are all like “Hey, what are you doing here?” And I’m just like, “Oh, you know hunting elephants.”

We’re going to make a cute old couple. At least I hope so because we’re not looking too great right now.

Marriage is basically just whispering, “Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.”

“Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do.” – Bettina Arndt

I put my best foot forward, then my worst foot after that, then my best foot again.

The plan is to market our original product as a new product that’s as good as the original.

“Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.” – Charles M. Schulz

To all my friends that I promised I’d never post a cheesy couples pic: Keep scrolling.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Based on the amount of laundry, I’m going to assume that there are people living here I’ve never seen.

There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy…like nailing jelly to a tree for example.

People trying too hard to be cool often end up becoming a joke

Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After ten years you need a club and a spade.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.