“I go to the gym because clearly my amazing personality deserves a body to go with it.”

Enjoy the good times because something terrible is probably about to happen.

Marriage is basically just whispering, “Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.”

Don’t know where the kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly.

I’m actually not funny, I am just mean and people think I’m funny!

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Gonna party like it's my birthday... oh wait, it is!

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.

Did you say pancakes?!My bed is a magical place. As soon as I jump into it, it reminds me of all the things I haven’t yet completed.

” I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.” – Joe Louis

Happy birthday. May your Facebook be filled with messages from people you never talk to.

Lord, please give me patience because if you give me strength, I’ll need bail money too.

Every time I say “no”, my kids hears, “ask again, she didn’t understand the question.”

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.