“I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?” – Meet the Parents

Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh, I put up with you, too. So we’re even.

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin

A human being without a friend is like a tree in a desert.

These two weirdos are perfect for each other.

“The truth can be funny but it’s not funny to cover up the truth. Ryan Cooper, Difficult PeopleThe truth can be funny but it’s not funny to cover up the truth.” – Ryan Cooper, Difficult People

Today is my birthday but I'll take gifts whenever.

I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate. but looking

You know we're close if you see the selfies I don't like.

“If you wish to get rich, save what you get. A fool can earn money, but it takes a wise man to save and dispose of it to his own advantage.” – Brigham Young

“Chairs were created because someone, somewhere, wanted to solve a big problem: sitting on rocks causes sore bottoms.” – Bill Burnett

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” – Solomon Schechter

Funny how just when you think life can’t get any worse, it suddenly does.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.

Throughout, your life can find a person who never gets bore with your talks.

I have everything in my purse you could possibly imagine except money.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.