I like rumors. I find out so much about me that I didn’t even know.

“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.” – Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose

People trying too hard to be cool often end up becoming a joke

The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.

“Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do.” – Bettina Arndt

My friends are the family I chose. And I’ve regretted that choice ever since.

I put my best foot forward, then my worst foot after that, then my best foot again.

Marriage is basically just whispering, “Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.”

I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere.

99% of my socks are single, and you don't see them crying about it.

Dear God, there is a bug in your week Software. it’s called Monday, please fix it.

You can’t buy a business but you can buy a plane ticket and that’s kind of the same thing.

“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.” – Catherine Zeta-Jones

Tell ’em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

If you are a Christmas tree growing next to a Santa tree, does this somehow change the taste of both fruits? Would you get a selfie

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.