“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.” – Malcolm Forbes

This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.

Be a flat in a room full of stilettos

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

My boss asked me to roundup 17 employees pronto. So I said, “20.”

Have you posed by a naked statue today? No, your garden gnome doesn’t count

You know we're close if you see the selfies I don't like.

This may be the night that my dreams might let me know… All the stars are closer. — All the Stars by Kendrick Lamar & SZA

Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you are one of them.

If you don’t feed yourself first with strength on Christmas meal then you are only able to pass gasses with an empty stomach.

“You know… there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time – husband.” – Bill Maher

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

I have to be successful because I love expensive shit.

You can’t make everybody happy. You are not a jar of Nutella.

Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters.

There are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: “Hold my purse.”

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.