I’d tell a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

This may be the night that my dreams might let me know… All the stars are closer. — All the Stars by Kendrick Lamar & SZA

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a cell phone

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers

I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won.

Sometimes I have to tell myself it’s not worth the jail time.

In the event that you don’t have anything decent to say, come sit by me, and we can ridicule individuals together

“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked.” – Leann Rimes

“It seemed like a good idea at the time. I have terrible judgment.”

Mental stimulation and an emotional connection between two people trump a physical and love connection any day. However, having all of the above is even more powerful and meaningful;

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

“I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?” – Meet the Parents

Husbands are like wine. They take a long time to mature.

This is the exact kind of couple post that single me would have rolled my eyes at.

“Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.” – Robin Williams

No funny business.  I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears”. – Penelope Fletcher

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.