If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, maybe it really is a duck. Either accept it for what it is or let it go.

Friends knock on the door, true friends walk into your house and start eating.

Best friends. Because anyone else heard our conversations we’d end up in the mental hospital.

Did you say pancakes?!My bed is a magical place. As soon as I jump into it, it reminds me of all the things I haven’t yet completed.

It’s not easy to save money when you have a fat girl’s appetite and a rich person’s shopping mentality.

Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh, I put up with you, too. So we’re even.

Your Kik status says Kik Login Online, if you’re online then why aren’t you texting me.

Dear vegetarians, if you’re trying to save animals, then why are you eating their food?

Today is my birthday but I'll take gifts whenever.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.

These two make such a gouda couple. Now, point me in the direction of the charcuterie plate.

Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

The four most important words in any marriage, “I’ll do the dishes.”

If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way your wife told you.

This week I was pulled over by a cop. He said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors and I win.” Don’t think the cop found it funny.

I hope you dance like no one’s watching because they’re not—they’re taking selfies.

People who say they’ll give 110% don’t understand how percentages work.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.