If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.

You know that feeling when the really cute girl walks by in the mall, and you smile, try to be smooth, and take a drink of tea, and run the straw up your nose?

If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more.

I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new style of hair every morning!

“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” –  Bill Cosby

Some days my kids can do no wrong. Other days I understand why some animals eat their young.

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

I knew it was meant to be when I loved you even when I was hungry.

“There are two sources of unhappiness in life. One is not getting what you want and the other is getting it.” – Cassey Stolrich

I don’t know how their arteries aren’t clogged with metal, because both of these girls have HEARTS OF GOLD.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate – you know someone’s fingers have been all over it.

Can I take your picture? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters.

If you are a Christmas tree growing next to a Santa tree, does this somehow change the taste of both fruits? Would you get a selfie

The four most important words in any marriage, “I’ll do the dishes.”

Happy birthday. May your Facebook be filled with messages from people you never talk to.

I don’t think inside the box. I don’t think outside the box either. I don’t even know where the box is

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.