If you don’t feed yourself first with strength on Christmas meal then you are only able to pass gasses with an empty stomach.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” – Willie Sutton

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.

Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be. – Nora Ephron

We make a really great couple. Well, at least that’s what everyone’s saying.

90% of parenting is about when you can lie down again.

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers

To all my friends that I promised I’d never post a cheesy couples pic: Keep scrolling.

“Hey don’t be sad! Because sad backwards is das—and das not good!”

There’s a guy at my office that we all make fun of because he’s clueless. Today I found out it’s me.

Brains are an awesome tool. I wish everybody had one.

May you always have love in your hearts and beer in your belly.

I hope we are good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through 47 walls, and haunt our enemies.

“If you are going through hell, keep going. Why would you stop in hell?” – Steve Harvey

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” – Solomon Schechter

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.