If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not really your friends.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.

I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.

“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin’ like this — and totally redeem yourself! Ha Ha!” – Dumb & Dumber

How do you call a pig that does karate? Pork Chop

People say go big or go home like going home is a bad thing. Heck yeah, I want to go home, and I’ll have a nap when I get there

I love you so much. Except when you snore and then I just want to punch you in the face.

A good place to put inspirational quotes is up to your ass.

“You’re putting the pussy on a pedestal.” – The 40-Year-Old Virgin

“I’m glad he’s single because I’m going to climb that like a tree.” – Bridesmaids

“We broke up for religious reasons—he believed he was God and I didn’t.”

Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.

“Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.” – Bill Gates

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spreads less than my life.

Money laundering? I wouldn’t even know what soap to use.

When your happiness is less important than the other person’s happiness, my friend you are in love.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.