“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” – Solomon Schechter

When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

What do you call a thieving alligator? A Crocodile

Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

“No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.” – Benjamin Disraeli

If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Just saw the most smartest person when I was in front of the mirror.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” – Maya Angelou

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

No point in holding onto what’s broken, so let’s live in the moment. When one door closes, another one opens. Stop trying to control it and start living in the moment

Just so we’re clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

If you are a Christmas tree growing next to a Santa tree, does this somehow change the taste of both fruits? Would you get a selfie

I love you so much. Except when you snore and then I just want to punch you in the face.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.