Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them

The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.

It’s been an emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers.

I’m always in a better place with you. Thanks for cleaning up.

A good friend is there to bail you out of jail. A best friend is sitting next to you in the cell.

I hate when people see me at the supermarket and they are all like “Hey, what are you doing here?” And I’m just like, “Oh, you know hunting elephants.”

Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

There’s a guy at my office that we all make fun of because he’s clueless. Today I found out it’s me.

I Live And I Learn But I Wait My Turn. I’m Always On The Run, Got Weight To Burn.

I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

Sharing is caring. That’s why they always give me the last slice of pizza.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Emma Bombeck

This week I was pulled over by a cop. He said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors and I win.” Don’t think the cop found it funny.

That annoying moment when you finally get comfortable in bed, but then BAM, you have to pee.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.