Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After ten years you need a club and a spade.

I got that Friday feeling. Shame it’s only Monday.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

“I just finished squats—and didn’t toot once!”

It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing.

‘You all worked really hard this year, I’m giving you all a check for $2,000. If you work the same next year, I’ll sign them’.

Clean eating journal. Day 1: I am a goddess and my body is a temple. Day 3: Well, that was fun.

My boss asked me to roundup 17 employees pronto. So I said, “20.”

I know I'm a handful, but that's why you've got two hands.

I’d give a fuck but I already gave it to your mother last night when you’re downie eat a brownie.

“The truth can be funny but it’s not funny to cover up the truth. Ryan Cooper, Difficult PeopleThe truth can be funny but it’s not funny to cover up the truth.” – Ryan Cooper, Difficult People

“Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your kids.” – Sam Levenson

I have let some blind guy borrow money the other day. He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he’ll see me.

I guess now is a bad time to say I’m not looking for anything serious?

I made a huge list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

If we learn from our mistakes, shouldn’t I try to make as many mistakes as possible?

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.