Mirror: you look amazing today. Camera: No, you don’t.

I am actually quite a nice person. Until you piss me off!

I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

I’d like to thank Red Bull, Google, Vodka, and Wikipedia for my graduation.

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers

Finding friends with the same level of crazy is priceless.

I’m at the point of parenting where “What did I just say?” could either be a threat or a genuine question.

You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

“Showing myself at my worst so the next selfie I post, you’ll all be astounded by my stunning transformation.”

Today, you will get married, and I will eat cake. It’s a win-win for sure.

May you always have love in your hearts and beer in your belly.

I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me from me.

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.” – George Burns

When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.

I am so open-minded, my brains will fall out some day.

If you can't remember my name, just say, 'chocolate' and I'll turn around.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.