My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge

Who washed and waxed their truck in this lovely 32-degree weather? Yes, that’s right! Me!

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is “Please forget.”

You couldn’t handle me. Even if I would come with instructions!

You go to school, nothing happens. You miss one day, Beyonce shows up unannounced

“My father taught me a good lesson: Don’t get too low when things go wrong. And don’t get too high when things are good.” – Robert Perish

Never let anyone treat you like a yellow Starbust. You are a pink starburst.

I love that you are my person and I am yours, that whatever door we come to, we will open it together. — A.R. Asher

There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

The wife says to her husband, “You wanna change positions tonight?” He says, “Yeah!”. She says, “Okay, you do the dishes, and I will sit on the couch and fart.”

You lost your phone and it’s on silent? Too bad, if you liked it, you should have put a ring on it.

“Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.” – Gary Busey

Tell ’em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy

Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.

Today is my birthday but I'll take gifts whenever.

The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.