Need a friend? Text me. Need a laugh? Call me. Need money? This number is no longer in service.

Relationships are like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

We don’t have a company health plan but we do have a secretary in accounting who claims to be a faith healer.

“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin’ like this — and totally redeem yourself! Ha Ha!” – Dumb & Dumber

Never let a man treat you like anything less than Beyoncé.

“When the waiter asked what I’d like, I handed the menu back and said “yes, please!”

If you can't remember my name, just say, 'chocolate' and I'll turn around.

“You know… there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time – husband.” – Bill Maher

“Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do.” – Bettina Arndt

I’m at the point of parenting where “What did I just say?” could either be a threat or a genuine question.

You laugh. I laugh. You cry. I cry. You jump off a really tall cliff. I yell, “Do a flip!”

I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.” – George Burns

All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.

Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously a girl because it won’t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

Be as picky with your men as you are with your selfies.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.