“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” – George Bernard Shaw

Sometimes I feel like giving up then I realize I have a lot of motherfuckers to prove wrong.

Have you posed by a naked statue today? No, your garden gnome doesn’t count

Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.

Marriage consists of a person who remembers everything and a person who doesn’t remember anything at all.

We need to draw the line on unethical behavior. But let’s draw it with an Etch-a-Sketch and don’t be afraid to shake it a little.

Started not to give a stopped fearing the consequence.

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.

5% of statistics are made up. Like this one

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

I hope the birthday cake is as sweet as our friendship.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure

 Never let anyone treat you like a yellow Starburst. You're a pink Starburst.

I know you are a sensitive person but no worry I am Sensodyne to your sensitivity.

Insecurities can make even the smartest and most beautiful person foolishly question themselves despite how amazing they truly are.

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!

Bikini season is right around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the pizza place.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.