People say go big or go home like going home is a bad thing. Heck yeah, I want to go home, and I’ll have a nap when I get there

7 billion people on this planet and I somehow got stuck with you.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? – Jean Illsley Clarke

Lord, please give me patience because if you give me strength, I’ll need bail money too.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.

I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new style of hair every morning!

“My life’s purpose is to be a cautionary tale for others.”

Dear God, there is a bug in your week Software. it’s called Monday, please fix it.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere.

Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to “Unstable”.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is “Please forget.”

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco

It’s not easy to save money when you have a fat girl’s appetite and a rich person’s shopping mentality.

“I’m now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt.” – Henny Youngman

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.