“People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.” – Benjamin Franklin

I knew I had to make you mine when you laughed at my jokes.

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Good morning beautiful! I hope I didn’t wake you and I’m sorry if I did but I just want to tell you that you’re an amazing and beautiful person and I hope you have a great day!

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde

Math made simple. If you have $20 and your wife has $5, she has $25.

Marriage is basically just whispering, “Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.”

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spreads less than my life.

I couldn’t afford to take kids to the sea world so I took them to the fish market and said, ” Shh… They’re sleeping.”

I’ve forgotten a lot of things in life. A meal has never been one of them.

Make sure to savor all your special moments, step outside of yourself, and bask in your own presence, while it’s still present.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.

Somewhere along the way, I became a person who answers, “Yes” to the question, “Can I just put my dirty tissue in your pocket?

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing “k” instead of “ok”?

“We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.” – Alfred E. Newman

Birthdays are good for me. The more I have, the longer I live.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.