“Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.” – Adrienne Gusoff

And then I thought to myself, “What’s the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?”

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.

“People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.” – Benjamin Franklin

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

“Why did no one warn me [eating ice cream/walking the dog/taking a picture with a baby] was so dangerous?”

“Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” – Thomas Dewar

How to please a woman: Love her. Die for her. Take her to dinner. Miss the game for her. Buy her jewelry. Be interested in what she has to say.
How to please a man: Show up naked. Bring beer.

How to please a man: Show up naked. Bring beer.

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spreads less than my life.

Birthday candles aren't the only things getting lit this weekend.

There are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: “Hold my purse.”

Why you don’t consider my clever attitude in my serious photos

You can tell how much someone likes you by the number of times they show up in your selfies.

Wife: You told me you’d spend your whole life trying to make me happy.
Husband: I didn’t expect to live this long.

If I ever let my head down, it will be just to admire my shoes.

“The funny thing is, the people who work really hard, they work really hard so they can sit on their ass – they just want to sit on their ass in nicer surroundings.” – Karl Pilkington

“The only time I feel light-hearted is when I’m on a plane at 33,000 feet.” – Robert Rivers

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.