Some days my kids can do no wrong. Other days I understand why some animals eat their young.

“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?” –  Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

The word “studying” was made up of two words originally “students dying”.

I have to be successful because I love expensive shit.

I hate when people see me at the supermarket and they are all like “Hey, what are you doing here?” And I’m just like, “Oh, you know hunting elephants.”

My teacher pointed to me with his ruler and said: “At the end of this ruler there is an idiot!”…”I got detention after asking which end!

“It seemed like a good idea at the time. I have terrible judgment.”

There’s a guy at my office that we all make fun of because he’s clueless. Today I found out it’s me.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

“Love is like a lot like a toothache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns

If at first you don’t succeed, maybe skydiving isn’t your sport.

I couldn’t afford to take kids to the sea world so I took them to the fish market and said, ” Shh… They’re sleeping.”

The hardest thing being single is finding a reason to shower.

I don’t like to commit myself to heaven and hell. You see, I have friends in both places.

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson

You owe me money, but yes, please tell me all about your fabulously expensive weekend.

Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.