Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. – Rita Rudner

The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.

No matter where I went, I always knew my way back to you. You are my compass star.

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

I don’t know how their arteries aren’t clogged with metal, because both of these girls have HEARTS OF GOLD.

I’d tell a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

Success is like being pregnant. Everyone says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you we’re fucked.

There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

I haven’t posted a selfie in a while but I still am very cute just to keep you updated.

“Marriage is like an unfunny tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” – Knocked Up

Enjoy the good times because something terrible is probably about to happen.

Some people are like clouds. Hwne they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

That annoying moment when you finally get comfortable in bed, but then BAM, you have to pee.

I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

One day a man asked a genie to make him smarter than any other man on earth. The genie turned him into a woman.

Old enough that I need a filter on this photo.

I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.