Thanks for not paying me back the money you owe me. Sure I want my money back but I would have paid more to prove what a scumbag you are.

” I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.” – Joe Louis

There should be a holiday dedicated to all the brave people who show up to work n Mondays.

It’s not about who would let me, it’s about who will stop me?

Friends knock on the door, true friends walk into your house and start eating.

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? – Retired

Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

I don’t know how their arteries aren’t clogged with metal, because both of these girls have HEARTS OF GOLD.

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

Your drama does not pay my bills therefore it is not worth my time.

Every 60 seconds, there’s a bitch posting a positive message that she doesn’t live by.

You’d have a big ego too, if you were as great as I am.

Marriage consists of a person who remembers everything and a person who doesn’t remember anything at all.

I will do anything for love. Except that. And that. Or that. Or...

“Build on what makes you different from your competition. . . You need to be the red tree in the forest.” – Nick Maley

I’m usually charming, nice, and well mannered, OK for those who really know me you can laugh now

I’d tell a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.