“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde

I know the voices in my head aren’t real. But sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!

“When people tell me, ‘You’re gonna regret that in the morning,’ I just sleep until noon. I’m a problem solver.”

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is “Please forget.”

Bikini season is right around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the pizza place.

Best friends. Because anyone else heard our conversations we’d end up in the mental hospital.

There’s nothing more frustrating than dealing with a miniature version of yourself with the same shit-ass attitude.

I have let some blind guy borrow money the other day. He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he’ll see me.

I don’t mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Emma Bombeck

Even the most beautiful people will have at least some insecurity, whether they admit it or not.

Words cannot express my love and passion for Fridays. The photos might help.

People who act like they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

Shutting the fuck up is gluten-free. Add that to your diet.

You don’t have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.