The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.

We just promise to put up with each other’s annoying habits forever.

“I ain’t got lotta money but I got a lotta style.” —Fifth Harmony, “Top Down”

Friends knock on the door, true friends walk into your house and start eating.

You never know what you have until you clean your room.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way your wife told you.

Need a friend? Text me. Need a laugh? Call me. Need money? This number is no longer in service.

You know we're close if you see the selfies I don't like.

I am not taking a selfie, I am just checking my camera quality.

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Emma Bombeck

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Think of how stupid the average person is. And realize half of them are stupider than that.

When you feel she is wrong, slap yourself and read rule number 1 again.

“If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools.” – Katherine Mansfield

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.