The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

I`m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

If you set impossible goals you’ll never be disappointed when you fail.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time

When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

“I go to the gym because clearly my amazing personality deserves a body to go with it.”

I don’t mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.

Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

It’s not easy to save money when you have a fat girl’s appetite and a rich person’s shopping mentality.

We can train a monkey to fly a jet but we can’t train a man to be humble.

“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.” – Thomas Sowell

“Happen to things, don’t let things happen to you.” – Stephen Covey

Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night!

Today is my birthday but I'll take gifts whenever.

The hardest thing being single is finding a reason to shower.

They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.

I am so open-minded, my brains will fall out some day.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.