The wife says to her husband, “You wanna change positions tonight?” He says, “Yeah!”. She says, “Okay, you do the dishes, and I will sit on the couch and fart.”

Dear autocorrect, that’s not what I was trying to say. I’m getting tired of your shirt

Life is like a toilet paper. Either you’re on a roll or you’re taking shit from asshole.

“Don’t you find it a little bit (of a) coincidence that the body fell perfectly within the chalk outline on the floor?”

Be a pineapple: Stand up straight, wear a crown, and always be sweet on the inside.

A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house!

I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women. – Louis C.K.

Never let your best friends get lonely. Keep annoying them.

“Hey don’t be sad! Because sad backwards is das—and das not good!”

I am so open-minded, my brains will fall out some day.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

“I totally knew that creepy guy was behind me. Sure I did.”

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure

Women fake orgasms and men fake finances. – Suze Orman

As long as my bank account keeps growing, I couldn’t care less about anything else.

I love you so much. Except when you snore and then I just want to punch you in the face.

“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.” – Amy Vanderbilt

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.