“There is nothing better than a friend unless it is a friend with chocolate.” -Linda Grayson

I know I'm a handful, but that's why you've got two hands.

I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin ME.

Success is like being pregnant. Everyone says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you we’re fucked.

My children have my husband’s eyes. They can’t see what’s right in front of them either.

Think of how stupid the average person is. And realize half of them are stupider than that.

I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.

Good thing I brought my library card because I’m totally checking you out.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I tried to embrace my inner child today and the little asshole bit me.

If a dentist makes their money from unhealthy teeth, why would I trust a product 4/5 of them recommend?

Brains are an awesome tool. I wish everybody had one.

I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me from me.

I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.

Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.

Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.