There should be a holiday dedicated to all the brave people who show up to work n Mondays.

When your ex texts you after months, “Hey, what’s up?”. Not today Satan, not today.

There are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: “Hold my purse.”

Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

“My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.” – Calvin Trillin

Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!

if a redhead works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?

One day a man asked a genie to make him smarter than any other man on earth. The genie turned him into a woman.

That awkward moment when you're wearing Nikes and you can't do it.

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

You go to school, nothing happens. You miss one day, Beyonce shows up unannounced

Husbands are the best people to share a secret with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.

“Are you green and growing or ripe and rotting?” -Ray Kroc

The best things in life are free*. (*Does not apply to pizza.)

Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.

Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams

One day a man asked a genie to make him smarter than any other man on earth. The genie turned him into a woman.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.