Thinking I’m a moron gives people something to feel smug about. Why should I disillusion them?

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip“

For me being in math class is like watching a foreign language movie without any subtitles.

My relationship status? Netflix, Oreos, and sweatpants.

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!

“Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.” – Robin Williams

“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” – Hussein Nishah

The relationship between husband and wife is very psychological. One is Psycho and the other is logical. Now please don’t try to figure out who is who.

Thank you for sharing your big day with me, and a special thank you to the cake you’re serving

“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.” – Malcolm Forbes

Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously a girl because it won’t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

To love and to be loved by the same person is the best feeling in the world.

The wife says to her husband, “You wanna change positions tonight?” He says, “Yeah!”. She says, “Okay, you do the dishes, and I will sit on the couch and fart.”

Every time I say “no”, my kids hears, “ask again, she didn’t understand the question.”

Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better

Have you posed by a naked statue today? No, your garden gnome doesn’t count

See the bowtie? I wear it and I don’t care. That’s why it’s cool

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.