What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? – Retired

Marriage is 5% love, 5% compromise, and 90% knowing when you’ve already lost an argument and just folding the laundry for once, Ted.

If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not really your friends.

I’m just going to relax and enjoy a quiet evening at home. Mainly because I can’t afford to go anywhere or do anything.

Sometimes one day changes everything; sometimes years change nothing

Life is very complicated. Don’t try to find answers because when you find the answers, life changes the questions.

“Showing myself at my worst so the next selfie I post, you’ll all be astounded by my stunning transformation.”

The hardest thing being single is finding a reason to shower.

We’re going to make a cute old couple. At least I hope so because we’re not looking too great right now.

You know that feeling when the really cute girl walks by in the mall, and you smile, try to be smooth, and take a drink of tea, and run the straw up your nose?

I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate. but looking

Life is like a toilet paper. Either you’re on a roll or you’re taking shit from asshole.

If a dentist makes their money from unhealthy teeth, why would I trust a product 4/5 of them recommend?

I am so open-minded, my brains will fall out some day.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Remember when you were better than me ?.. Ans: ya neither do I.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.