When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of an emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.

This week I was pulled over by a cop. He said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors and I win.” Don’t think the cop found it funny.

Of curse, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

I can’t clean my room because I get distracted by the cool stuff I find!

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” – Solomon Schechter

‘You all worked really hard this year, I’m giving you all a check for $2,000. If you work the same next year, I’ll sign them’.

Sometimes I have to tell myself it’s not worth the jail time.

Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.

When your happiness is less important than the other person’s happiness, my friend you are in love.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.

I want somebody to look at me the way my dog looks at food.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The only difference between men and boys is the size of their shoes and the price of their toys.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

To love and to be loved by the same person is the best feeling in the world.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.