When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.

“I’d hate to get to the end of my life and think “I could have eaten that!”

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife’s clothes

Friends don't let friends do stupid things... alone.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Life is like a balloon. If you don’t let go, you’ll never know how high you can rise.

I love you so much. Except when you snore and then I just want to punch you in the face.

The four most important words in any marriage, “I’ll do the dishes.”

“Girl, you can’t get no infection in your booty hole! It’s a booty hole!” – Girls Trip

If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.

Every day I fall in love with you more and more. Except for yesterday… yesterday you were pretty annoying.

I hate when people see me at the supermarket and they are all like “Hey, what are you doing here?” And I’m just like, “Oh, you know hunting elephants.”

See the bowtie? I wear it and I don’t care. That’s why it’s cool

“Send in the rescue dogs (preferably the ones with kegs around their necks).”

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

“What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.” – Cindy Garner

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.