When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

Your drama does not pay my bills therefore it is not worth my time.

Hi Honey, I’m just calling to let you know I did nothing today. Nope, not even dinner. Ok, byeee!

I know I'm a handful, but that's why you've got two hands.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. – Rita Rudner

The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside.

“For a guy with a four-digit IQ, I must have missed something.” – Limitless

Well, well, well. Look what finally decided to show up. Hello Friday!

Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!

There’ll be parties for hosting, cocktails for toasting, and caroling sung way out of key.

There’s a guy at my office that we all make fun of because he’s clueless. Today I found out it’s me.

As your best friend, I’ll always pick you up when you fall... after I finish laughing.

Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

What if the princess wants to be with Bowser but Mario keeps kidnapping her.

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

Every 60 seconds, there’s a bitch posting a positive message that she doesn’t live by.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.