Yes, I know there is a really special place in Hell for me. It is called a throne

If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way your wife told you.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

If you don’t feed yourself first with strength on Christmas meal then you are only able to pass gasses with an empty stomach.

You laugh. I laugh. You cry. I cry. You jump off a really tall cliff. I yell, “Do a flip!”

Never let a man treat you like anything less than Beyoncé.

I hate when people see me at the supermarket and they are all like “Hey, what are you doing here?” And I’m just like, “Oh, you know hunting elephants.”

Every time I say “no”, my kids hears, “ask again, she didn’t understand the question.”

“Welcome to the gun show! (So what if mine are of the “conceal and carry” type?)”

If you listen carefully then the earth has a lot of music for you in store.

Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.

Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software… it’s called Monday, please fix it.

I’m usually charming, nice, and well mannered, OK for those who really know me you can laugh now

“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” – George Bernard Shaw

“My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.” – Calvin Trillin

One day I’ll be thankful that my kid is strong-willed. But that will not be today. Not in this grocery store.

I’d give a fuck but I already gave it to your mother last night when you’re downie eat a brownie.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.