You can’t make everybody happy. You are not a jar of Nutella.

Friends are the bacon bits of the salad bowl of life.

I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger.

Victoria’s Secret models, we're comin’ for your careers.

It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing.

I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

Don't count the years — make the years count.

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” – Erich Segal

Thank you, Tinder. We didn’t meet on there but it definitely taught me who not to date.

I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new style of hair every morning!

Think of how stupid the average person is. And realize half of them are stupider than that.

You don’t have to be crazy to be my best friend, but if you’re not, you probably wouldn’t want to be friends with me anyway.

I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.

“When the waiter asked what I’d like, I handed the menu back and said “yes, please!”

Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you got.

You know all those things you always wanted to do? You should go do them. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Life is like a camera: you focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negative and if things do not work out, take another shot.

There are a lot of adventures out there waiting for you to live them. 

Better to see something once than to hear about it hundred times.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. 

The World is a book and those who do not travel read only a page.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.

We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment. 

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.